Aug 17

I failed my Psychiatry exam, and this was my journey…

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The Journey – 070116
Personally, one of the most devastating news I have had for myself. I cannot believe it. In fact, of all subjects, Psychiatry? This time bound post is my journey of that 1+ months after knowing I have failed my exam, to the time of my supplemental exams.

That 1 clinical exam, I didn’t know what happened. Got a clear fail and the simulated patient he wouldn’t want me as his doctor. Wow. Never in my lifetime would I think I would have gotten such a comment. Worse part is, I don’t know what I did that got to that. I even remembered coming out of the exam perfectly fine, and it wasn’t even the toughest exam to begin with!

Now eyes from the other side. The joy and elation of others moving on to final year while your excitement has been stalled adding on the worry of possibly repeating the whole year, which by the grace of God will not happen to me.

Why does this have to happen now, why me, what went wrong with me, are all questions I can’t answer. But now I just have to take out that big fat book which I hoped to have stored away, and dig into it again.

Its easy to always tell cell that God is good despite your circumstances, well God is! And nothing is going to change that. And I’m holding on to Him all the more.

I wonder what God is wanting to teach me this summer holidays. Not so much a holiday anymore anyway.

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The Journey – 050716
Sleepless nights. Or rather hard-to-sleep nights. Throughout the day I’m not too bad, but when I hit the bed, thoughts of how on earth I could have failed, my friends enjoying out there, the things I wanted to do but cannot do.. List goes on and on.

Up to now I have never told anyone I’ve failed except one or two who wouldn’t say anything to anyone. Most still don’t know. Then it bugs me cause I say I’m busy and they are like, “aren’t you on holiday?”. It’s painful, but I haven’t had the heart to tell it to anyone yet. I’m just imagining the shock and possible disappointment in them.

But now I really start to wonder, what is God saying in all these? What’s His game plan here?

Nonetheless, study mode is on, if I’m going to do this again, I want to ace it, not scrap through. (Though final results will just say pass).

Lord, help me.
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The Journey – 070616
Sleepless nights. Now for another reason. My time was not meant to be spent this way!!

It’s sad, I was prepared to do many things, meet many people. Now even if I do those, I do it with a heavy heart, I do it with a lingering supplemental exam thought in my head. Gah!

Lecturers have been supportive. No one can figure out how I got here, but everyone expects me to just fly through the exam. I’m confident I can, but pressure is just still there, can’t shake it.

I just want to get this over with, quick.

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The Journey – 010816
It is one week away! Classes and revision and practices has so far been alright. Refreshing myself on many aspects and things I may have forgotten.

Having said that, with 1 week left, its beginning to be daunting again. The thought of the possibility of failing, the thought of repeating the year, all these while at the same time seeing post and emails regarding the year ahead.

But today I began praying again (oops, confession) and the one thing that prevailed throughout my time in God’s presence was rest and peace.

At the end of the day, no matter what the circumstance, abide in Him.

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The Journey – 070816
After all the chilling, only the day before I suddenly became so stressed.

How I know? I scratch. So when I take bath I can feel it’s slightly painful due to some small open wounds.

But I hate exam stress, worse still when it is an exam I truly really cannot afford to fail.

But my hope and trust is in the Lord, from Him I draw my strength.

Tomorrow is the day I’ve been waiting to get over with, tomorrow, I overcome! By the strength of the Holy Spirit!

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The Journey – 170816
It has been a long wait. Though I knew I did well in my exams, but until I actually see the results, I can’t be satisfied.

But thanks be to God! Who has provided a way and brought me through to the end!

Now, I can call myself a final year med student. But nah I’d rather not, too much stress. Haha..

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