Today as I checked Facebook on the (frequent) breaks during my studies, one common complaint was pretty obvious and ever--present among the list of wall updates. And that was:

Sejarah is generally disliked because of the sheer amount of hours required to read it.

I know of very few people who take an interest in Sejarah, or for that matter general world history. It's understandable, to a point. Why read about people, events and circumstances that have long since past and are relegated to the archives of time?

So I understand the general sentiment around Sejarah. I beg to differ though.

I'm gonna be frank. My mathematical skills are abysmal, and my scientific skill is almost always scrapping past acceptable. Sejarah, along with English, remains the one thing that I, perhaps may not be the most spectacular speciment, but at the very least is my forte and that which helps bolster an already declining general result.

And it's simple. I love history. I love reading about the great civilisations that came before us. I enjoy discovering the course of human history as it progressed from ancient to the beginnings of the modern world. I am interested to know as to how the actions and policies of foreign powers shaped their country, our country and to a larger extent, the world. And I am keen to discover the journey of how our country became what it is today, despite the heavily one-sided, almost propaganda-like nature of our history textbooks.

Again, I do not claim to be the ultimate History pro. I do not get the highest mark in History for every exam. But I would much rather read about the nationalistic movement of countries than to bother to calculate the acceleration of a imaginary ball on a imaginary plane and the forces acting in an imaginary friction-less environment and whether or not the cake is a lie.

Shortly before I began this post I attempted to do some Additional Mathematics questions. I do not know how to even do the first question. To compound matters further, I have not managed to attend any Add Maths tuition for the past 2 months. Add Maths exam is next Tuesday.

DIE.

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Picture drawn by Low Kyle Yi

Just when I thought it'd be a good 3 day weekend, it had to be ruined right at the very end of school before it even bloody began.

I had thought I had found the happiness that has eluded me all throughout high school. I had thought that I could finally drop the moniker of Ghost, of being the retarded puzzle piece that looks like it belongs but can never fit into the picture properly.

But after all this time maybe I was just fooling myself again. Perhaps I was so desperate to feel that belonging that I never really looked at the bigger picture. Look at the tree too closely and you miss the forest.

You know I actually wrote in my BRATs application essay that I'd finally found reason to stop being Ghost. Heck I actually believed it wholeheartedly when I wrote that.  Bullocks.

I prefer my friends to be brutally honest with me. I know I'm less than perfect in many regards. So if I've done hurt or if I have fault, please, do point them out. I've had enough cold shoulders and cold wars that began simply cause no one could tell me what the f$@& it was I did in the first place, leaving me very, very discombobulated.

Or maybe to put it simply, perhaps I'm just not meant to find happiness, not in this lifetime anyway.

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Okay so the official 2 days of it are over, but heck it's suppose to be for about a week no?

So Happy Chinese New Year to everyone! May your ang pows crinkle with bountiful harvest =) I know mine has.

I can't tell you how absolutely delightful it is to finally have a holiday. Honestly never in my life has a holiday haunted my thoughts as frivolously as this one. Not merely because of it's significance, but simply because of the simple fact that IT IS a holiday.

Of course, getting to see the family again is good. I wonder how much longer I have before more and more of them depart for the necessity of overseas education, me included.

Oh yeah I'm totally home alone right now (okay well the maid is around to feed me lah) as my parents are currently down in Singapore. Awesomeness-ness.

Anyway, the appeal of the holidays is already that much dimmer. The exams are only about 3 incomplete weeks away. I still have 2 unfinished Moral Project, curse it to hell. And of course there's Chinese homework. Oh my joy is simply too much for me to contain...

But still, enjoy the festive season as much as you can. I personally enjoy the sleep, finishing Halo 3 ODST, the peace (when untroubled by Moral Project) and watching long neglected movies and TV series like John Adams, although not in that particular order.

Before I go off, I introduce a little something to sing to along with all the traditional mind-numbing Chinese New Year Songs. Enjoy.

I love how the people of John Adams speak.

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I feel very disappointed. But I will get to that some other time.

***

Sometimes after taking a nap in the afternoon, I will wake up with my right eye tearing up like mad. Tears would just flow freely like a leaky faucet and it takes a while for it to stop.

No. I am not crying. At least not consciously crying. I don't think I'm subconsciously crying either because why only the right eye?

I do sometimes think though that maybe it's because all the mistakes and regrets and utter sadness of my past have to come to the surface somehow.

I guess waking up and discovering that my right eye is involuntarily weeping might be it.

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OMG today I just realised how much of a heartless freeloader I really am 0_0

We were in BM class today doing the KOMSAS Cerpen "Tragedi". It was about this father dealing with the death of his son who got killed in a car accident. Now the son was a very good badminton player, and after he passed away, his close friend asked his father if she could keep his racket as a token of remembrance.

So one of the questions about the cerpen was "Apakah keistimewaan raket into kepada Irnawati?" (the friend of the dead son, and the question is something along the lines of this)

And when Pn Salwana read this out loud and asked us to answer, I suddenly had the most heartless yet stupid random thought, but I thought (and still think, abit) it was absolutely hilarious. So then I told her the answer between breaths while laughing my guts out.

I answered:

Hahahahaha.....dia...hahahahaha....dia akan....hahahaha....

Dia akan mendapat raket percuma!

...

Okay I know I may seem very jahat here, but I'm not a heartless freeloader okay?

I will ask you first =)

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Slip out the back before they know you were there,
At the worse you'll see nobody cares.

Slip Out the Back~Fort Minor

***

Today reminded me very poignantly about something.

Evidently,

I am never worth even FIVE MINUTES of anyone's time.

***

On another note.

Printer is healthy again.

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Just when I began feeling on top of the world again because I finished most of my 2 Moral Projects and there's not much other homework to do, I have to be ticked off again.

This time by my printer, who is acting up again just when I had thought I'd fixed the problem (albeit temporarily).

The story of my printer is a sad one.

I bought my little printer early last year at PC Fair I. I bought him a companion too. His name was CISS (Continuous Ink Supply System).

For a time, things were good. CISS had a few problems trying to fit in nicely with Printer. CISS couldn't fold the tubes away nicely while Printer wouldn't stop getting in the way and jamming it. In the end a compromise was made, and all was well again.

We had many great moments together. We printed documents and pictures galore. The shining moment was when we printed 300 pages of Bioshock artwork, and every one of them was perfect.

Until one day when I came back and found that Printer had choked on a piece of paper. Badly. And although I managed to pull it out of him, he was never the same again.

He would print almost perfectly normal except for a few lines that would inevitably get screwed.

Nothing I did could fix the problem. Countless printer head cleanings, printer head alignments and finger crossing could make Printer the same again.

......

I cannot help but feel that my mom is responsible for Printer's demise loh. After all, she was the one using Printer in my absence in school and somehow got the paper jammed in so tightly. That also I cannot understand how it would happen since I aligned the paper feeder to fit A4 paper perfectly.

I know my mom didn't mean to harm Printer lah, but sometimes I get a bit ruffled by what I consider a lack of sensitivity when dealing with modern electronics. How would Printer be compromised if proper care had been taken? Heck the only way he could have been compromised is by sheer negligence for his safety and care.

Now I need to print my Moral Project photos, but I can't anymore. And it's due Wednesday.

Sigh...Please get well soon Printer.

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Sometimes you just feel tired, feel weak.
When you feel weak, you feel like you want to just give up.
But you've got to search within you.
Have got to find that inner strength
And just pull that s*** outta you
And get that motivation, to NOT give up
And NOT be a quitter.
No matter how bad you want to just fall flat on your face
And collapse.

Till I Collapse~Eminem

I am not pleased with myself.

I am not pleased about the fact that my body can't keep up with what my mind wants.

But it will.

***

Can I tell you a secret?

I have this desire.

To want to be photographed in

....

....

....

....

a dramatic pose!

I want it to be like this:

You know. Carrying a gun, looking over my shoulder coolly with my face covered by a visor. The rain is a bonus effect if can.

Or like this:

With me walking out of fire! NICE.

Or this also can:

Jumping off a high place and soaring down professionally.

By the way I want this to be my pose when I go for my next bungy jump!

***

Just keep running, running, and running, running, and running running.

Till my legs give out.

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Ah...the weekend. Nothing could ever smell sweeter than not-school.

So...a new year. A new class location. A new seating position. A new bunch of teachers etc etc...

It was a pretty darn good week I would say.

To begin with it started with my birthday surprise in the Ed Board room  with Love Gang + Rachel Gan and Sean Beh. Nothing could possibly beat that as a year-opener. And to answer someone's blog post: Yes you guys made me happy. Very very happy indeed =)

The week was followed up by what could be considered as mini-miracles to say the least.

For one thing, Mr Wong KK is ACTUALLY teaching Physics.*cue expression of utter shock, awe and fainting*

Like, he spent the whole 2 periods talking about waves and demonstrating the different wave types rather than talking about being humble and having knowledge and going to Harvard and ZOMG I WAN TO DIE....We still don't know if the effects are permanent, but we're keeping our fingers crossed. And you know what? Now that he's teaching, it makes me want to actually learn Physics too. I guess it's because now that I see him taking the subject seriously I also feel compelled to learn it well too. Sigh...Why couldn't all this have happened last year? Oh well.

And then there was that magical moment when we were supposed to be having Moral class with Pn Chia but then the afternoon sessions students came and the Mr Song talked to Pn Chia for a while. And then while we were patiently waiting for her to start she just returned and said : Baik lah kamu semua boleh tamat satu waktu pagi hari ini.

............................YAY!!!!!

On Friday there was the Year Opening Mass organised by us the Catholic Students Society. After a week's worth of "rehearsals" (basically sanctioned ponteng), we finally managed to pull it off pretty ok, considering that the whole afternoon session and the teachers and Pn Lee Kim Lai and the Marist Brothers and all attended. Inevitably, there were a few blunders here and there, but at least the afternoon session students weren't talking too loudly and disturbing the mass.

But it was actually pretty scary because we had just learned about the church bombings that morning before mass started. And to compound things further Father Simon even used "the A word" again during the homily. Before I left school I even covered my CSS shirt, just to be safe. So yeah. Mass. In school. Church bombing. Very scary **** indeed.

As to personal things. Well. I am somewhat proud to say that Operation Renaissance is off to a start, if somewhat shaky. I still napped a little bit in the afternoon during the week, and napped even more today (Saturday). But at least I actually studied more than what I usually did

The even more awesome thing that happened this week was that I exercised!!! Oh yeah!

And it wasn't just the acuh tak acuh kind that I usually do. It was the kind where I was running for 2km! (on a treadmill), followed by 2.5km on the next try! I feel so psyched man!

All in all this was a pretty good week lah. Not counting the occasional slip-ups, my unfinished homework and some church fire-bombings, I actually kinda look forward to the weeks that come.

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For the first time in 16 years, I will not be celebrating Christmas in Malaysia.

I will not be celebrating it with the extended family. I will not be opening presents under the tree on Christmas Day. I will not be going to church (that one the most sakit).

Instead I will be halfway around the world in an Islamic country whereby Christmas is not even an official holiday.

I will be spending Christmas in Egypt.

In a way, I'm kinda glad to be away from the family for a while. Let's just say that I'm a little tired.

I won't be home until about 30th December which effectively means that the year has already ended for me.

Looking back, it's hard not to feel a tinge of sadness. I wish I had more time. More time to spend with friends (assuming they would be around and free). More time to actually put Operation Renaissance into proper effect. And perhaps more time to commence the lesser Operation Crackdown too.

I'm kinda grateful that people invented clocks to tell time. Imagine if we still used hourglasses and you were looking at one when time was running out. I would think the image of sand trickling away is more panic inducing than a second hand ticking away.

Then again, I would keep wishing for more time anyway, since I can never seem to make the time I have any more useful.

And....I don't know what to do in the final hours preceding my departure. It seems anything I do makes me feel guilty and unproductive.

Gah...

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