As usual, exams are the perfect time to have an epiphany.

You know. When you stare blankly at the book in front of you, then wonder why none of it is getting into your head, then suddenly have flashbacks that were about what you were doing before you came to the island the exam that would create such a situation, when you suddenly snap back to reality when your mom calls you to dinner and the book was right where you left it, just as incomprehensible as it was five flashback minutes ago.

And so it was under such circumstances that I had another exam-related epiphany.

I realised that Operation Renaissance (which I began here) is in dire need of a Reformasi.

Don't tell me I'm taking exam too seriously. Don't tell me that there's always next time. Lies. All lies. Because the truth of reality is that there isn't. Not any more. As Low Mei Yen put it very aptly---2 months, 2 years. Which is obvious. There's only two more months to prepare for trials in September. Well actually three, but June will be gone as I prepare for Public Speaking Finals.

As such, because of Operation Renaissance's lack of results up to this point, I will be enacting a radical restructuring of the operation after the exam, I hope.

It involves the creation of a Codex. And not just a Codex, but four Codexes.

1. Codex Bios Logia
2. Codex Physikos
3. Codex Al-Kimiyah
4. Codex Historia

Hopefully with the creation of these four Codexes, everything will fall into place eventually. They are the key, to everything. To trials. To SPM. To. My. Ascension.

Yes and I will make it THIS THICK!...Joking lah...Then again...Hmmm...

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Have you ever really, really wanted something? Like, wanted it so badly that it's all you ever think about, all that you fantasize about the whole day, everything that you long for or lust for. Perhaps it's a new phone. Perhaps it's a concert. Perhaps it's a relationship.

But then, just when you get it, or when you're about to get it, you suddenly feel that you no longer want it anymore. All that desire, all that longing, just snuffed out, like a candle. There's no explanation, no apparent reason, nothing obvious whatsoever that might detract you from wanting to possess what you were after. You simply don't feel like having it anymore.

I think that's worse than not knowing what you want. At least with that, you explore, you discover and you keep looking and stumbling until you find it. But in this case it's horrible. Everything that you've dreamed of, all of a sudden just doesn't seem to be all that attractive.

What then? Your energy has already been spent. Your effort and time already invested. But there's no way out of it. It's gonna happen, and it will happen.

What is it exactly that I want? I used to think that I unwaveringly knew  the answer to that question. But I'm not so sure of it now.

I simply don't know.

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I was just doing some Add Maths just now. Integration.

I had accumulated some homework for the past few weeks. Nothing I couldn't handle, I thought.

How very wrong I was. The I tried to do, the more I realised that I couldn't do because I didn't know how. The more I tried, the more distressed I became.

Eventually my mind began to go downhill on a rollercoaster of thoughts in my despair. One nightmare worse case scenario followed after another. If I can't do the homework properly, I'm gonna fail the exam, and if I fail the exam, I'll probably do poorly in SPM, and if I do poorly in SPM, i can't get a scholarship for college, and if I can't get a scholarship then I may not be able to do the program I want, and if my SPM score is bad I still may not be able to do the program I want, and then I probably can't do courses like engineering anymore because my math skills suck, not that I really want engineering but I'm so undecided now ZOMG SOMEONE KILL ME....

After a while I managed to reel my mind back in before any real horror could unravel. But it did get me thinking. About what I plan to do, about where I plan to go.It made me wonder about how we're all vigorously sorted and channeled through school and universities to be a part of the global labour force and indirectly, of the rat race. If you didn't get a leg up with education, preferably overseas university level, chances are you won't get much of a leg up in life either.

I wonder whatever happened to the days of doing whatever the heck you wanted, with or without a university education.

The truth is, more often than not, I think I would fancy just being a bartender on a beach in some Caribbean country somewhere.  Something simple, something pleasant.

If only life ever gave you those kinda chances.

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Today as I checked Facebook on the (frequent) breaks during my studies, one common complaint was pretty obvious and ever--present among the list of wall updates. And that was:

Sejarah is generally disliked because of the sheer amount of hours required to read it.

I know of very few people who take an interest in Sejarah, or for that matter general world history. It's understandable, to a point. Why read about people, events and circumstances that have long since past and are relegated to the archives of time?

So I understand the general sentiment around Sejarah. I beg to differ though.

I'm gonna be frank. My mathematical skills are abysmal, and my scientific skill is almost always scrapping past acceptable. Sejarah, along with English, remains the one thing that I, perhaps may not be the most spectacular speciment, but at the very least is my forte and that which helps bolster an already declining general result.

And it's simple. I love history. I love reading about the great civilisations that came before us. I enjoy discovering the course of human history as it progressed from ancient to the beginnings of the modern world. I am interested to know as to how the actions and policies of foreign powers shaped their country, our country and to a larger extent, the world. And I am keen to discover the journey of how our country became what it is today, despite the heavily one-sided, almost propaganda-like nature of our history textbooks.

Again, I do not claim to be the ultimate History pro. I do not get the highest mark in History for every exam. But I would much rather read about the nationalistic movement of countries than to bother to calculate the acceleration of a imaginary ball on a imaginary plane and the forces acting in an imaginary friction-less environment and whether or not the cake is a lie.

Shortly before I began this post I attempted to do some Additional Mathematics questions. I do not know how to even do the first question. To compound matters further, I have not managed to attend any Add Maths tuition for the past 2 months. Add Maths exam is next Tuesday.

DIE.

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Picture drawn by Low Kyle Yi

Just when I thought it'd be a good 3 day weekend, it had to be ruined right at the very end of school before it even bloody began.

I had thought I had found the happiness that has eluded me all throughout high school. I had thought that I could finally drop the moniker of Ghost, of being the retarded puzzle piece that looks like it belongs but can never fit into the picture properly.

But after all this time maybe I was just fooling myself again. Perhaps I was so desperate to feel that belonging that I never really looked at the bigger picture. Look at the tree too closely and you miss the forest.

You know I actually wrote in my BRATs application essay that I'd finally found reason to stop being Ghost. Heck I actually believed it wholeheartedly when I wrote that.  Bullocks.

I prefer my friends to be brutally honest with me. I know I'm less than perfect in many regards. So if I've done hurt or if I have fault, please, do point them out. I've had enough cold shoulders and cold wars that began simply cause no one could tell me what the f$@& it was I did in the first place, leaving me very, very discombobulated.

Or maybe to put it simply, perhaps I'm just not meant to find happiness, not in this lifetime anyway.

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Okay so the official 2 days of it are over, but heck it's suppose to be for about a week no?

So Happy Chinese New Year to everyone! May your ang pows crinkle with bountiful harvest =) I know mine has.

I can't tell you how absolutely delightful it is to finally have a holiday. Honestly never in my life has a holiday haunted my thoughts as frivolously as this one. Not merely because of it's significance, but simply because of the simple fact that IT IS a holiday.

Of course, getting to see the family again is good. I wonder how much longer I have before more and more of them depart for the necessity of overseas education, me included.

Oh yeah I'm totally home alone right now (okay well the maid is around to feed me lah) as my parents are currently down in Singapore. Awesomeness-ness.

Anyway, the appeal of the holidays is already that much dimmer. The exams are only about 3 incomplete weeks away. I still have 2 unfinished Moral Project, curse it to hell. And of course there's Chinese homework. Oh my joy is simply too much for me to contain...

But still, enjoy the festive season as much as you can. I personally enjoy the sleep, finishing Halo 3 ODST, the peace (when untroubled by Moral Project) and watching long neglected movies and TV series like John Adams, although not in that particular order.

Before I go off, I introduce a little something to sing to along with all the traditional mind-numbing Chinese New Year Songs. Enjoy.

I love how the people of John Adams speak.

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I feel very disappointed. But I will get to that some other time.

***

Sometimes after taking a nap in the afternoon, I will wake up with my right eye tearing up like mad. Tears would just flow freely like a leaky faucet and it takes a while for it to stop.

No. I am not crying. At least not consciously crying. I don't think I'm subconsciously crying either because why only the right eye?

I do sometimes think though that maybe it's because all the mistakes and regrets and utter sadness of my past have to come to the surface somehow.

I guess waking up and discovering that my right eye is involuntarily weeping might be it.

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OMG today I just realised how much of a heartless freeloader I really am 0_0

We were in BM class today doing the KOMSAS Cerpen "Tragedi". It was about this father dealing with the death of his son who got killed in a car accident. Now the son was a very good badminton player, and after he passed away, his close friend asked his father if she could keep his racket as a token of remembrance.

So one of the questions about the cerpen was "Apakah keistimewaan raket into kepada Irnawati?" (the friend of the dead son, and the question is something along the lines of this)

And when Pn Salwana read this out loud and asked us to answer, I suddenly had the most heartless yet stupid random thought, but I thought (and still think, abit) it was absolutely hilarious. So then I told her the answer between breaths while laughing my guts out.

I answered:

Hahahahaha.....dia...hahahahaha....dia akan....hahahaha....

Dia akan mendapat raket percuma!

...

Okay I know I may seem very jahat here, but I'm not a heartless freeloader okay?

I will ask you first =)

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Slip out the back before they know you were there,
At the worse you'll see nobody cares.

Slip Out the Back~Fort Minor

***

Today reminded me very poignantly about something.

Evidently,

I am never worth even FIVE MINUTES of anyone's time.

***

On another note.

Printer is healthy again.

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Just when I began feeling on top of the world again because I finished most of my 2 Moral Projects and there's not much other homework to do, I have to be ticked off again.

This time by my printer, who is acting up again just when I had thought I'd fixed the problem (albeit temporarily).

The story of my printer is a sad one.

I bought my little printer early last year at PC Fair I. I bought him a companion too. His name was CISS (Continuous Ink Supply System).

For a time, things were good. CISS had a few problems trying to fit in nicely with Printer. CISS couldn't fold the tubes away nicely while Printer wouldn't stop getting in the way and jamming it. In the end a compromise was made, and all was well again.

We had many great moments together. We printed documents and pictures galore. The shining moment was when we printed 300 pages of Bioshock artwork, and every one of them was perfect.

Until one day when I came back and found that Printer had choked on a piece of paper. Badly. And although I managed to pull it out of him, he was never the same again.

He would print almost perfectly normal except for a few lines that would inevitably get screwed.

Nothing I did could fix the problem. Countless printer head cleanings, printer head alignments and finger crossing could make Printer the same again.

......

I cannot help but feel that my mom is responsible for Printer's demise loh. After all, she was the one using Printer in my absence in school and somehow got the paper jammed in so tightly. That also I cannot understand how it would happen since I aligned the paper feeder to fit A4 paper perfectly.

I know my mom didn't mean to harm Printer lah, but sometimes I get a bit ruffled by what I consider a lack of sensitivity when dealing with modern electronics. How would Printer be compromised if proper care had been taken? Heck the only way he could have been compromised is by sheer negligence for his safety and care.

Now I need to print my Moral Project photos, but I can't anymore. And it's due Wednesday.

Sigh...Please get well soon Printer.

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