I used to have a little bit of a plan,
Used to, have a concept of where I stand,
But that concept slipped right out of my hand, and now,
I don't really even know who I am.

~Believe Me, Fort Minor

I used to love the weekends, no matter what.

Even though sometimes I get inundated with homework, or my weekend gets pulled away by things beyond my control, I would still be very happy, just because.

I don't feel happy just because anymore.

I mean, sure it's cool that there's no school. Any day with no school on is a good day.

But I can't seem to find purpose in the weekends anymore.

I try to catch up on some productive sleep. The kind that doesn't start at 3 a.m. and end at 12 p.m. But I always end up sleeping more or less the same as weekday timing.

I try to finish my homework A.S.A.P, preferably on a Friday. And for the past 3 weeks, I failed.

I try to do anything whatsoever to make me feel like I'm in control of my life, so that I can stop running away from reality like last time. But I still keep running (away).

And sometimes I see how other people are getting along just fine or better and I can't help but feel even more helpless. Why can't I get it right like them?

Some people are going to suggest certain things that I should be doing, and I tell them very clearly now.

That is not a solution. It is not going to help me where I need help the most. It never did, and it never will. It's like pain pills. It takes my mind away for a while before the pain sets back in, worse than before. It's not what I need.

I need to find my new sunshine.

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