Today as I checked Facebook on the (frequent) breaks during my studies, one common complaint was pretty obvious and ever--present among the list of wall updates. And that was:

Sejarah is generally disliked because of the sheer amount of hours required to read it.

I know of very few people who take an interest in Sejarah, or for that matter general world history. It's understandable, to a point. Why read about people, events and circumstances that have long since past and are relegated to the archives of time?

So I understand the general sentiment around Sejarah. I beg to differ though.

I'm gonna be frank. My mathematical skills are abysmal, and my scientific skill is almost always scrapping past acceptable. Sejarah, along with English, remains the one thing that I, perhaps may not be the most spectacular speciment, but at the very least is my forte and that which helps bolster an already declining general result.

And it's simple. I love history. I love reading about the great civilisations that came before us. I enjoy discovering the course of human history as it progressed from ancient to the beginnings of the modern world. I am interested to know as to how the actions and policies of foreign powers shaped their country, our country and to a larger extent, the world. And I am keen to discover the journey of how our country became what it is today, despite the heavily one-sided, almost propaganda-like nature of our history textbooks.

Again, I do not claim to be the ultimate History pro. I do not get the highest mark in History for every exam. But I would much rather read about the nationalistic movement of countries than to bother to calculate the acceleration of a imaginary ball on a imaginary plane and the forces acting in an imaginary friction-less environment and whether or not the cake is a lie.

Shortly before I began this post I attempted to do some Additional Mathematics questions. I do not know how to even do the first question. To compound matters further, I have not managed to attend any Add Maths tuition for the past 2 months. Add Maths exam is next Tuesday.

DIE.

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Okay I'm over the events of yesterday because I am told that it was all just a bad bloody joke.

To which I will respond either with:

1. Loo Sian Wei's signature "sheep laugh" OR
2. Charles Chong Jinhang's signature comment of "That was so funny I forgot to laugh"

Honestly. The things today that are considered humour. Shame *bangs table* shame.

Moving on.

In case you haven't yet read, a killer whale killed its trainer at a seapark. Read the article either here or in today's The Star.

Apparently the whale already has a history of killing it's trainers. I wonder if perhaps the whale is secretly evil? Like how Eddie Izzard illustrates here with evil animals:

So was the killer whale evil? Was this, perhaps its chain of thoughts?

I will grab my trainer by the waist.

I will drag her into my pool.

Then she may drown in front of a live audience.

Ahahaha..aha.

I am an evil sea park killer whale.

Or maybe perhaps.

It was its idea of a joke.

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Picture drawn by Low Kyle Yi

Just when I thought it'd be a good 3 day weekend, it had to be ruined right at the very end of school before it even bloody began.

I had thought I had found the happiness that has eluded me all throughout high school. I had thought that I could finally drop the moniker of Ghost, of being the retarded puzzle piece that looks like it belongs but can never fit into the picture properly.

But after all this time maybe I was just fooling myself again. Perhaps I was so desperate to feel that belonging that I never really looked at the bigger picture. Look at the tree too closely and you miss the forest.

You know I actually wrote in my BRATs application essay that I'd finally found reason to stop being Ghost. Heck I actually believed it wholeheartedly when I wrote that.  Bullocks.

I prefer my friends to be brutally honest with me. I know I'm less than perfect in many regards. So if I've done hurt or if I have fault, please, do point them out. I've had enough cold shoulders and cold wars that began simply cause no one could tell me what the f$@& it was I did in the first place, leaving me very, very discombobulated.

Or maybe to put it simply, perhaps I'm just not meant to find happiness, not in this lifetime anyway.

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Okay so the official 2 days of it are over, but heck it's suppose to be for about a week no?

So Happy Chinese New Year to everyone! May your ang pows crinkle with bountiful harvest =) I know mine has.

I can't tell you how absolutely delightful it is to finally have a holiday. Honestly never in my life has a holiday haunted my thoughts as frivolously as this one. Not merely because of it's significance, but simply because of the simple fact that IT IS a holiday.

Of course, getting to see the family again is good. I wonder how much longer I have before more and more of them depart for the necessity of overseas education, me included.

Oh yeah I'm totally home alone right now (okay well the maid is around to feed me lah) as my parents are currently down in Singapore. Awesomeness-ness.

Anyway, the appeal of the holidays is already that much dimmer. The exams are only about 3 incomplete weeks away. I still have 2 unfinished Moral Project, curse it to hell. And of course there's Chinese homework. Oh my joy is simply too much for me to contain...

But still, enjoy the festive season as much as you can. I personally enjoy the sleep, finishing Halo 3 ODST, the peace (when untroubled by Moral Project) and watching long neglected movies and TV series like John Adams, although not in that particular order.

Before I go off, I introduce a little something to sing to along with all the traditional mind-numbing Chinese New Year Songs. Enjoy.

I love how the people of John Adams speak.

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Part 2 of my series of "My Last"s is Merentas Desa.

To begin with, Merentas Desa didn't manage to go the way I wanted it to.

I had previously spent the last few years NOT running in Merentas Desa after having a taste of it back when we the 2010 bunch first had it in Form 2. So for two years all I did was handle luggage deposit and reclamation as a prefect.

After my mid-teenage-life crisis, huge epiphany and intensive self discovery, I finally set my mind on going all out for this final year of Merentas Desa.

So I began to run. I would have liked to have begun running really really early since last year, especially perhaps during the year end holidays. But alas, some procrastination and two overseas trips in two months denied me the opportunity.

Never mind, I told myself. I would train when school began. And I did. Not long after school began, I began to run as well. First on a treadmill, which is peanuts compared to running on real solid ground, and then on to parks and stuff. I couldn't run far. 2km was about the maximum I could go. No surprise there. Like what I say when I came up with this proverb:~

If you've never pushed your limits before, don't be surprised to find out that they're not very high.

I didn't mind that what I was achieving paled in comparison to all my friends around me. I had already set my mind on the fact that this wasn't a fight between my friends, other people and me. This was a battle for myself. A battle between the old-me of nothingness and the new-me of living life to the max. As such, whenever I ran, it wasn't then just an issue of my brain forcing my muscles to keep running. It was also an issue of my heart telling my soul that I will not give up. Not this time. Not anymore.

Things got better when the running infection spread among my friends. Now running sessions weren't just training sessions anymore, they were also times to laugh, to share and to keep egging each other forward. Those were some of the best times of 5 years of my high school life.

Unfortunately all that would come to an abrupt end one Sunday morning after another training session. My right calf began hurting really bad after I stopped. I just thought it was a muscle cramp or something but it wouldn't go away. I ended up limping for the better part of two weeks.

On the surface I still wanted to fight. I told myself that it was nothing. The Tuesday after that I went for the last Rumah Hijau Merentas Desa practice. Although I managed to actually run the whole three rounds like never before, my leg hurt even worse after that. It was by then that deep down I knew that I probably wasn't going to make it in time for Merentas Desa.

Sure enough, the doctor I visited yesterday only confirmed what I didn't want to be true. I would not be able to run for Merentas Desa. Unless I want to continue limping like a pirate for the next few months or so.

To say I was disappointed would be putting it lightly. I had accepted the fact that I probably wouldn't be able to get in the top 30. I even accepted the fact that maybe I wouldn't even make it within the time limit. And none of that mattered because so long as I could run the track, run it consistently and give it the biggest 110% that I'd ever give in my life, I would be happy and proud with myself.

But to not be able to do so, mostly because I'd never given anything in my past a 110%, made me feel like an epic FAIL. I could have and would have handled the mental strain, no matter what. But I just couldn't handle the physical.

I ended up being a photographer for the Photography Club. At least I'd used the time productively and learned a little bit more about taking pictures, not rotting away handling luggage again.

To all those who were the top 30 and withing the time limit, congratulations to you all. You deserved every bit of it. And to those who were disqualified, you were all winners too, no matter what blind QMs and a failed surveillance system may say.  So congratulations too.

And that was the last Merentas Desa of my high school life. No more kaleidoscope of Colours (not till Sports Day anyway), no more hordes of sweaty people running back into the school and no more luggage handling.

Farewell!

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I feel very disappointed. But I will get to that some other time.

***

Sometimes after taking a nap in the afternoon, I will wake up with my right eye tearing up like mad. Tears would just flow freely like a leaky faucet and it takes a while for it to stop.

No. I am not crying. At least not consciously crying. I don't think I'm subconsciously crying either because why only the right eye?

I do sometimes think though that maybe it's because all the mistakes and regrets and utter sadness of my past have to come to the surface somehow.

I guess waking up and discovering that my right eye is involuntarily weeping might be it.

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OMG today I just realised how much of a heartless freeloader I really am 0_0

We were in BM class today doing the KOMSAS Cerpen "Tragedi". It was about this father dealing with the death of his son who got killed in a car accident. Now the son was a very good badminton player, and after he passed away, his close friend asked his father if she could keep his racket as a token of remembrance.

So one of the questions about the cerpen was "Apakah keistimewaan raket into kepada Irnawati?" (the friend of the dead son, and the question is something along the lines of this)

And when Pn Salwana read this out loud and asked us to answer, I suddenly had the most heartless yet stupid random thought, but I thought (and still think, abit) it was absolutely hilarious. So then I told her the answer between breaths while laughing my guts out.

I answered:

Hahahahaha.....dia...hahahahaha....dia akan....hahahaha....

Dia akan mendapat raket percuma!

...

Okay I know I may seem very jahat here, but I'm not a heartless freeloader okay?

I will ask you first =)

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Slip out the back before they know you were there,
At the worse you'll see nobody cares.

Slip Out the Back~Fort Minor

***

Today reminded me very poignantly about something.

Evidently,

I am never worth even FIVE MINUTES of anyone's time.

***

On another note.

Printer is healthy again.

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Just when I began feeling on top of the world again because I finished most of my 2 Moral Projects and there's not much other homework to do, I have to be ticked off again.

This time by my printer, who is acting up again just when I had thought I'd fixed the problem (albeit temporarily).

The story of my printer is a sad one.

I bought my little printer early last year at PC Fair I. I bought him a companion too. His name was CISS (Continuous Ink Supply System).

For a time, things were good. CISS had a few problems trying to fit in nicely with Printer. CISS couldn't fold the tubes away nicely while Printer wouldn't stop getting in the way and jamming it. In the end a compromise was made, and all was well again.

We had many great moments together. We printed documents and pictures galore. The shining moment was when we printed 300 pages of Bioshock artwork, and every one of them was perfect.

Until one day when I came back and found that Printer had choked on a piece of paper. Badly. And although I managed to pull it out of him, he was never the same again.

He would print almost perfectly normal except for a few lines that would inevitably get screwed.

Nothing I did could fix the problem. Countless printer head cleanings, printer head alignments and finger crossing could make Printer the same again.

......

I cannot help but feel that my mom is responsible for Printer's demise loh. After all, she was the one using Printer in my absence in school and somehow got the paper jammed in so tightly. That also I cannot understand how it would happen since I aligned the paper feeder to fit A4 paper perfectly.

I know my mom didn't mean to harm Printer lah, but sometimes I get a bit ruffled by what I consider a lack of sensitivity when dealing with modern electronics. How would Printer be compromised if proper care had been taken? Heck the only way he could have been compromised is by sheer negligence for his safety and care.

Now I need to print my Moral Project photos, but I can't anymore. And it's due Wednesday.

Sigh...Please get well soon Printer.

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I used to have a little bit of a plan,
Used to, have a concept of where I stand,
But that concept slipped right out of my hand, and now,
I don't really even know who I am.

~Believe Me, Fort Minor

I used to love the weekends, no matter what.

Even though sometimes I get inundated with homework, or my weekend gets pulled away by things beyond my control, I would still be very happy, just because.

I don't feel happy just because anymore.

I mean, sure it's cool that there's no school. Any day with no school on is a good day.

But I can't seem to find purpose in the weekends anymore.

I try to catch up on some productive sleep. The kind that doesn't start at 3 a.m. and end at 12 p.m. But I always end up sleeping more or less the same as weekday timing.

I try to finish my homework A.S.A.P, preferably on a Friday. And for the past 3 weeks, I failed.

I try to do anything whatsoever to make me feel like I'm in control of my life, so that I can stop running away from reality like last time. But I still keep running (away).

And sometimes I see how other people are getting along just fine or better and I can't help but feel even more helpless. Why can't I get it right like them?

Some people are going to suggest certain things that I should be doing, and I tell them very clearly now.

That is not a solution. It is not going to help me where I need help the most. It never did, and it never will. It's like pain pills. It takes my mind away for a while before the pain sets back in, worse than before. It's not what I need.

I need to find my new sunshine.

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