Musings

Maybe one day it will be ok again. That's all I want. I don't care what it takes. I just want to be ok again.

I'm tired of trying, sick of crying, I know I've been smiling, but inside I'm dying.

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.

You say I'm always happy, and that I'm good at what I do, but what you'll never realize is, I'm a damn good actress too.

Unknown

I've recently met a real cutter. As in met one in real life. Before I have only read of them. From articles in family publications and also once in a fiction novel. But now I have really met a person who really cuts. And not just that, some of the person's friends cut too. This is rather disconcerting.

But a little background on cutters or the cutting phenomenon, for those who do not know about it. The more formal name for this activity is self-injury or self-mutilation. It's not the type where you do things to enhance your looks, by the way. It's an activity where people injure themselves on purpose. The methods may include cutting (making wounds with sharp objects, anything from knives to razors needles to even fingernails. Sometimes it may also be objects of opportunity like broken glass shards), branding (burning oneself with hot objects, like cigarette buds, etc.), frictions burns, picking at skin or wounds (either causing new wounds or not allowing old ones to heal), compulsive hair pulling, hitting oneself, bone breaking (jumping down flights of stairs or any other means), punching, head-banging (not the musical kind) as well as drinking poisonous substances. Multiple piercings or tattooing can also be self-injury if the main reason is to feel the pain. Mainly self-injury is non-suicidal, with wounds being superficial or moderate only, though there maybe suicidal tendensies in the cutter and it could escalate into suicide, on purpose or by accident. And self-injury is normally repetitive.

The most common cutters are female teenagers around 13 to 20 years old, but cutters also come from both genders of different ages, income groups and from all over the world. The "normal" characteristics are:

• strong dislike/invalidation of themselves
• hypersensitivity to rejection
• chronical anger, usually at themselves
• tendency to surpress anger
• high levels of aggressive feelings, which they disapprove of strongly and often suppress or direct inward
• impulsive and lacking in impulse control
• tendency to react in accordance to their mood at the moment
• are depressed and suicidal/self-destructive
• suffer chronic anxiety
• tend toward irritability
• do not see themselves as skilled at coping
• do not have a flexible repertoire of coping skills
• do not think they have much control over how/whether they cope with life
• tend to be avoidant
• do not see themselves as empowered

The most crucial part to me is why they self-injure. The main reasons can be grouped into three main groups, which are:

• To regulate emotions or affect regulation. The self-injurers try to attain back a state of emotional equilibrium or normality in the face of turbulent or unsettling feelings. They try to calm themselves by cutting in times of high emotional and physiological arousal or stress. They are validating the inner pain with an outer expression, and avoiding suicide because of unbearable feelings (though sometimes it may escalate to suicide or if it is done too severely or a mistake is made). Self-injury is a coping method, just like breathing therapy and other more conventional methods, to cope with things  that seem to overpower them. They resort to this for lack of other coping methods.
• To communicate. Cutting is like a visual way of expressing things they cannot express, like anger, pain, or hurt. It is a cry.  This from is normally manipulative, to meet their needs, whatever they may be. Sometimes it may be to hurt those who hurt them, or it may be a cry for help. In these cases, the identification of what they're trying to communicate is crucial in dealing with it.
• Control/punishment. This type includes trauma reenactment, bargaining and magical thinking (if I hurt myself, then the bad thing I am fearing will be prevented), protecting other people, and self-control. This may be due to past traumatic events like abuse, where they try to overcome it by cutting, trying to get a sense of control over things they cannot control. Or it can also be a way of self-punishment, where they blame themselves for those traumatic events, thinking they deserve it and so punish themselves because of self-hatred and low self-esteem. Self-control Self-control overlaps somewhat with affect regulation. In fact, most of the reasons for self-harm have an element of affect control in them.

Okay, I know so far the post has been mostly very technical. But hear me out. It really is saddening that people have to resort to such means, especially if their reason falls into categories 1 and 2. Yes, we need to regulate our emotions, and perhaps they may be unequipped to do so in other means. It's sad that people are driven to the point that they seem to be at wit's end, resorting to unconventional methods such as this to cope. And it really hurts me to know there are such people out there, some even right before me. Why must we be so pressuring sometimes? To give to much undue stress and emotional hurt to others that it drives them to the point of desperation. What's more saddening is that some of them get so used to it that they no longer feel anymore. They no longer know why they cut. They're so lost in their pain that it becomes their only reality. They have become numb to all other feelings. Pain becomes the only thing that makes them feel alive and a way to feel it is to cut themselves. I read one cutter said,"The pain is there to remind me that I'm still alive." The words of the song Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls, "You bleed just to know your alive," can describe how they are.  Cutters are people who are "Tired of living and scared of dying."

Doesn't it break your heart too? Such a sad state of living, a life where something that ain't good becomes the only thing left, when there's so much more to life than pain. Yes, it's a part of life, but it is not the only thing in life. There is still love and happiness if you look at the right places. Yes, the places where love and affection should be found can sometimes be the very places where hurt is. Like in broken families, or abuse by family members or people who should have been trustworthy. The places that should be sanctuaries corrupted and turned into places of torture. A product of our fallen nature.

But you know, there's still one more source that can never be corrupted. A person so pure and full of love that everything else pales in comparison. In fact, that person is love itself, love personified. And that person is God. God loves you, even when everyone and everything else seems to hate you. Jesus Christ loves you no matter what you've done or has happened to you. You perception of yourself does not matter to God. He knows you way better than you know yourself. You can always find your hope in Him, even when people give up on you, even when you give up on yourself. I've read a quote that really is saddening. It said "I guess there comes a point where you just have to stop trying because it hurts to much to hold on anymore." So what if it hurts? Does it justify letting go? Louis Armstrong said, "Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever."

I'll want to leave you with this. To those who are hurting, like the person I met, hold on. There is a far more better way to cope with things in life than cutting. That is to cry out to Jesus. He will never leave you. I pray you will find Him in your times of need. And to those around them, especially fellow Christians like myself, love them. This is a wake up call. People are hurting. They don't need another person or organization to add more hurt. Don't just scold them, question them, condemn them. Show them the transforming power of Christ in your life and theirs. Show them God's love. Remember, we condemn the act but not the person. We are to love the person although we condemn the act, just as Jesus loves the sinners although He hates sin. I pray I will be one of those who God is able to use because I am willing to be used by Him, to love them and bring them to His abundant, never ending love.

P.S. To that specific person, I hope you see this, especially the last part.

There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus

Third Day, from the song Cry Out to Jesus

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It's one of the things that can unify the world. Look at the World Cup. People waking up at unearthly hours to watch people playing matches in another end of the world. Then in the padang, people of different ages and races coming together to have fun in a match. Even those who don't play can have fun shouting, cheering and just watching the game together. One way to connect to most people would simply be to talk football.

But then, football can also split people up. Look at the supporters. A group of friends broken between football teams whom they support. And fierce rivalries do form from the love of football, or rather, the football teams. And things can get ugly...

So cheers to football, a simple game of just 20 people chasing one ball one on a field while two other people are trying to get it as far away from where they are. Ironic ain't it? Yet it can unify and split people, and hype people up to the point of fanaticism.

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I love Malaysia more than any other country in this world, and, exactly for this reason, I insist on the right to criticize her perpetually. 

Ele Musael, personalised from a quote by

James A. Baldwin

Our country is looking for patriotic people. The government is constantly trying to instill patriotism into the people of this country, through campaigns and through the education system.

However, it seems that patriotism is lacking in the countrymen. Why? Patriotism will only be in the lives of the countrymen when they love their country. It is the fruit of love and devotion to one's country. The thing we lack is love towards Malaysia. All around, the words that keep coming from the people within this country when they see what is going one in this country is actually "It's time to emigrate."

Why then do we not love the country? The government is constantly trying to cultivate a love for the country, especially in the education system. One such way would be the teaching of the country's history, in the subject known as History, or Sejarah in the national language. However, it is still not reaping the desired effects. Why?

Well, it is because most of what is being taught is lies. The facts put forth seems to be mostly partial facts, twisted facts, sometimes downright false facts. Now, how can a nation be built on lies? How can anything truly good, like love, come from lies? Even if it did, when the truth is out, what good will definitely be crushed into nothing, sometimes into the total negative.

A system that depends on lies to get what it wants will one day fall apart. When all the dirty secrets gets out, the bad will be exposed in the light of the good. Darkness cannot go on in the light, for light will shine through and cast out the darkness. The wrongdoers cannot go on unpunished forever. One's sins will catchup with him sooner or later. The end is still the same. 

When you twist facts, you are effectively telling a lie. Whether the truth is twisted just a little bit, or twisted all the way, it will no longer be truth, because truth can only be truth if it is the whole truth. 

Why then is there such a need to tell lies then? In order to manipulate, people will tell lies. Lies is a necessity to manipulate others. And so to manipulate the minds of the people, we see lies being taught in institutions of learning. That should not be how it should be. Even in brainwashing sessions, it is lies that are constantly drilled into people. Lies being retold again and again, sometimes with force, till it gets into one's head, and causes the person to think that the lies are the truth. Thomas Jefferson said something very interesting. It goes like this, "It is error alone which needs the support of government. Truth can stand by itself."

Then there is also the current affairs in the country, and how it is being handled, that is stopping the countrymen from loving the country. Look at the political crisis in Perak. What on earth is going on? Don't we have democracy in this country? Isn't it stated in our constitution that Malaysia is a democratic country. What's democracy? Democracy is a system of government based on the belief in freedom and equality between people, in which power is either held by elected representatives or directly by the people themselves (Cambridge Advance Learner's Dictionary). Now if our system is to be based on freedom and equality between people, then why are those in power doing as they please? We have the right to elect the representatives and we have given you the mandate to carry out your duties. Don't abuse that, like what has been going on now. We are the one's who have put you in power. That does not mean you can now use the power as you please. You take our freedom away, then is there a real democracy left? Jonathan Swift said, "For in reason, all government without the consent of the governed is the very definition of slavery." It should be the rakyat's say in the end. If the elected representatives lose that, than I feel it is time for new representatives. Do what is right. For "in the absence of justice, what is sovereignty but organised robbery?" Saint Augustine.

So to bring to a close, until things are right within this nation, it will be nearly impossible to get the proper love for the country. And when there is no love for the country, there will be no patriotism in the hearts of the people. 

Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it. 

Mark Twain

 

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Somethings in life just takes time to like. Like certain subjects, objects, art, music... And certain people...

But when you do, and really get to know them, you just might be surprised how much you like them. And how much their worth...

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The object of education is to prepare the young to educate themselves throughout their lives.

Robert M. Hutchins

Recently our dear Prime Minister has recently called on public servants to be creative and innovative in their service. He said innovativeness and creativity must be made a culture and added that they should start from the school system and continue in the public and private sectors. (theSun Tues May 5). Well it's about time I think. Our education system has been in a plateau for too long, if it has not been spiraling down that is.

Well I believe it's a good start. Education is a very powerful thing. Nelson Mandela said, "Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world." Education can empower the current generation to be better than the one before them, and in doing so bring mankind to greater heights. Education is the key to unlocking the potential within us all to do what we do best better. It also shows us what we are good at, and what we are not, and give us the necessary knowledge, and wisdom sometimes, to better ourselves.

Education is very powerful because it can shape the minds of those it is in direct relation to. Young minds are easily influenced. They are still at the stage where they are developing their views on the world around them. Their minds are still good ground for idealogies and principal principles. And also, in education, the impact on them will be lasting ones, especially if it is at the early stages of education, like in kindergartens and beginning of primary school. And so, if you are able to educate them on the right things then, the battle would have been pretty much half won, provided everything else also adds up. Example I will give. Let's look at loyalty in Japanese people to their country. From young they are conditioned to love their country and to be loyal to their rulers. Hence, when they grow up, they are willing to sacrifice all, even their lives for their beloved country. Need evidence? Look at their kamikaze pilots. Even when they know they cannot make it, they are willing to die in the battlefield, hoping their death will cripple their enemy by diving straight at them, their death another form attack. Though of course, extremism is a definite bad thing.

Now it is that very same power to shape minds that can ruin education. Its power can and has been misused and abused before. The students will trust their educators. They will mostly accept what their educators educate them with. This can be dangerous, especially when the wrong things are taught. Let's take hatred. One can sow hatred among people in education simply by 'teaching' lies. Telling made up stories, distorting the facts. Also along with the facts are the intepretations of the facts. Each scholar and historian has his or her own interpretation of historic facts, which maybe to the agreement or disagreement of his or her colleagues. Two different person who goes through the same event may not have the same sentiment of it. Each person has the right to make their own interpretations from events that go own. So why then, must what the government's interpretation of the facts, which often times seems to be biased, be shoved right into our faces? Don't we have the right to interpret the facts as we see them?

Education can also sow racism. Look at what Hitler did? The education that white people is more superior than black people certainly caused a lot of trouble. This further developed produced eugenics. This then fueled Hitler's ideology of the superior Aryan race, and so goes out to wipe everyone else, applying eugenics. Then there's the apartheid. To quote Einstein, "Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen." Where does this prejudices come from? A lot of it education. We see how education of the wrong things lead to really bad results. And so, it is important that the teaching task force be not tainted with idealogies. It should be unbiased, non-political. Most of education we see now seems more drawn towards brainwashing it's students, than to really educate them. Let's be unbiased in what we teach and practise in institutions of education. Also, there is the need to teach truth, in both the arts and the sciences, not lies. Then only will the dangers of the abuse of education be avoided, and achieve what education is really for.

Einstein said, "Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school." Why must that be so? If education is meant to teach it's pupils the things needed later on in life, why then are things forgotten? I think the answer here is because students see certain things learnt as unimportant. Because education as we see has become a means of brainwashing, certain things within education has become viewed as unimportant, when there are actually lessons to be learnt from it. One such example would be the subject of history. It is one of the most used subjects to brainswash students all over. Why so? Because if you see it carefully, the things within the syllabus is totally saturated with political brainwash. All interpretations of the facts within the syllabus seems to be one-sided. Only facts that support the idealogy of those in charge are put there. What happened to the freedom to have our own opinions? Give us the full facts, and let us draw our own conclusions. Remember, Malcolm Forbes said, "Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one."

Also stemming from education being misused to achieve one's or a select group's means is the lack of understanding. The omission of certain key facts that deflect from one's purpose will of course give only a partial picture of the things around us. With only a vague picture at hand, how will people really understand things? If I took a blurry picture of a subject, can you really know what I saw? I doubt that. And much less can you make judgements from it, taking the lessons learnt and practising them. This lack of understanding will then lead again to the lack of appreciation, and thus dismissal of what should be learnt, and with it knowledge and wisdom from it.

In conclusion, education is an important and powerful tool. Use it wisely and for the right purpose. Teach what is right. Teach truth. Only then, will you empower those in the system and in so doing, bring mankind forward. And remember parents, "Education is too important to be left solely to educators." Francis Keppel.

Establishing lasting peace is the work of education; all politics can do is keep us out of war.

Maria Montessori

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They're among the cheapest gifts you can give someone. Practically free.

Yet it can be priceless for the receiver. It can really make their day. Their reaction can also make the giver's day.

Why then is it so hard to give compliments? Why do we prefer to break other people down instead? Is it pride? Ego? Isn't it more beneficial to give compliments and make someone happy? It's good for you anyways. Saves you and the other person a lot of hurt and anger.

So why don't you compliment someone today?

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... means Defence of the Ancients. It's a game for the uninitiated.

Now people, why not defend something worth more that "the Ancients"? And more real too? Like love, family and friends? Other people? Lives? Peace and harmony? Your country and her subjects? Freedom? Truth? Principles and moral standards? Are these not worth more defending?

Not to put down games of course. I love them too. But think for a moment.

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